The Missing Manual

How many times have you heard one of your male friends announce that their wife just doesn't come with a manual? And the anecdotes we contribute regarding toothpaste and toilet seats are met with silly grins and knowing nods. As a collective, we men just can't seem to figure out the female species. Some of us have even suggested that there isn't any real point in trying. Like asking for directions, when it comes to our marriages it seems like we'd rather just wing it — with very discouraging results.

But there is an often overlooked manual. It's possible that you have one, tucked away on a shelf in the basement or stuck in a box in the attic. It's called the Bible. And I suggest that if you're truly interested in discovering how 'she' ticks, take it out. Dust it off and dig in.

You may have some preconceived ideas about what the Bible says about her and your role in her life. And as you read this, you might be expecting me to pull out that favorite passage of all time on submission and really bring it home. But before you get too relaxed and settled in, let me tell you, I'm not going there. That's her side of the manual. Written to her in her language.

Our instructions begin on a different page in Ephesians.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, people have never hated their own bodies, but they feed and care for them, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself…

And James reminds us with a warning and a promise:

if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.

Instructions
1. Begin to love. I'm not a psychologist, but I know I can't follow my feelings. I can't feel my way into behaving. But I certainly can behave my way into feeling. I don't have to feel loving to love. I can choose to love, and do something that demonstrates that love. Guess what? The feelings follow. It works every time.

2. Love more. At this point you will discover your own motives. You began to love. Ha! Are you sure? I've found that if I'm endeavoring to love — with an ulterior motive — I will quickly discover that really wasn't the sacrificial love described in the manual. That love doesn't have motive other than to bless. Continually.

3. Keep loving. Sacrificial love doesn't end. It doesn't run out. It doesn't keep score or tabs. It loves anyway. What does the word sacrificial mean? Ultimately it means death. This is what it means to love the way Christ loved the Church. It means a willingness to climb up on the cross to die. When you love sacrificially, it means you continually put yourself out there. Unprotected. And then you do it all again. And again. And... You get the picture.

Men, if we really want to know and understand our wives, we must give the manual more than just a casual five minute glance. We must be willing to make the serious commitment to follow through. No matter what.

Following this set of instructions is not easy. it's probably why most of us would rather wing it. It requires purpose, dedication, desire, humility and patience.

But it's time for us to step across the threshold to be a doer, love our wives the way the manual maintains — and we will find that we understand her on a deeper level than we ever thought possible. We will have sincere care, concern, and a desire to see her become the person she was meant to be in Christ. With that kind of love she will become radiant.

And we will also discover the truth of 1 Corinthians 13. That kind of love never fails.

PS. I love you Shirley.